Champion & Skin Sale: Sober Sale

Yorick

Pentakillers!

I’m afraid we’ve got some bad news. Our lawyers just informed us that Karthus has received a drunken disorderly following our last 18 concerts, which is news to us because we just found out that’s an actual crime. Unfortunately, this Demacian judge is a real hardass, and the only plea deal he’s offering requires us to assign Karthus a “sober companion” to keep him from relapsing. We tried to explain that anybody who gets between Karthus and the keg usually winds up dead, but he keeps insisting. Besides, sending Karthus to jail would mean canceling the tour, and we’re already in the hole since Olaf burned down that hotel in Piltover because the concierge insulted his hat.

I guess we’ll have to interview some candidates. But first pass me that bottle of Jarvan Walker. I haven’t had breakfast yet, and there’s no way I can make a decision like this on an empty stomach. 

• I think you’re over-qualified for this position, Kennen MD. We appreciate your interest, but you may find this particular patient’s vitals difficult to monitor. You know… because he’s dead. 487 RP
• It’s cool that you want to roll out the red carpet, King Tryndamere, but I think Karthus might have some trouble fitting in with your entourage. Besides, we’ve crossed some lines before, but I’m not sure the label’s thrilled by the idea of putting up a legal defense for regicide. 487 RP
• Sorry, Bilgewater Swain. This band has to take a stand against piracy, and I just wouldn’t feel right employing somebody who’s part of the problem – even if the job’s likely to lead to a grisly death. Try buying a record next time. 487 RP

 

 

• What the hell are you thinking, showing up here, Nautilus? You can’t be a sober companion – you drink like a fish! Look us up when you’re back on the wagon. 487 RP
• Corki, the last time we asked you to keep an eye on Karthus, he convinced you to let him drive the gyrocopter. The cops said that his blood alcohol levels were at nearly 100%. Sorry, but that’s just bad judgment. 395 RP
• Look, Swain, did you think I’d change my mind just because you switched skins? You downloaded the last ten albums off Bilgewater Bay; you’re not getting a job with the band! 440 RP

 




Unless you buy them, we’ll have to hire one of these poor saps to keep Karthus off the sauce. That’s not going to end well for anybody, so head over to the League of Legends store between February 15 and the sentencing hearing on February 18.

Karthus

I can’t believe you $#*ing guys are going make me quit drinking. I mean, what would I do without booze, huh? You can’t really expect me to do this sober!

Mordekaiser

Karthus, you really have to see how you’ve contributed here. It isn’t our fault you can’t hold your liquor – you haven’t got a stomach. Besides, you were going strong until you took those six hits off Sona’s Oracle’s Elixir. I could understand if you were the support, but that’s just irresponsible. Tell him, Sona.

Sona

…

Karthus

Hey @#$& you, you ^$*ing #$*@s! I !$#^ing carry this %&^*ing band! Who the *&%$ing @!#$ do you &%#$s think you are making me get clean? @#%^ing %^&# this $%#@, I’m going to @%^$ing kill whoever you @#^$ing hire and then drink vast quantities of mead. @#%#!

Olaf

Well, I don’t think anybody’s going to top that. Um… our new record, Death Rides a Pale Boar is in stores now. And don’t steal it because, you know… we’ll kill you.

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